


Theon Greyjoy! the Musical

by no_kitty_thats_my_pot_pie



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin
Genre: Comedy, House Greyjoy, Musical
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-23
Updated: 2016-08-23
Packaged: 2018-08-10 15:12:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7849972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/no_kitty_thats_my_pot_pie/pseuds/no_kitty_thats_my_pot_pie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Theon Greyjoy's book storyline told as it's meant to be - a comedy...with songs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Theon Greyjoy! the Musical

Theon Greyjoy! the Musical

ACT I

 “Now and Always” begins

**Theon.** Am I your brother, now and always?

**Robb.** Now and always!

**Theon.** I give you my sword / to do with as you please / until the last of my days

**Robb.** You shared my meat and mead / and stood by me when Joffrey took my father’s head / the two of us share a certain bond / you are as much my brother as Jon

**Theon.** Even more so, ‘cause Jon’s a bastard!

**Robb.** _(shocked)_ Theon!

**Theon.** Sorry, sorry, Robb – er, Your Grace! / Make no mistake, I know I’m no Stark / but it is an honor to fight for your cause / your brotherly love has left its mark / I admit, for you I have a certain affection

**Robb.** _(delighted)_ For you I feel the same erection – er, infliction!

**Theon.** Am I your brother, now and always?

**Robb.** Now and always!

**Theon.** I give you my sword / to do with as you please / until the last of my days

**Robb.** I place my faith in you in the form of this letter / My mother doubts you? Let her / There is no one I would rather send / to join our houses and make the world right again

**Theon.** I will bring us both to victory / and one day this will become a great story

**Robb.** I trust you with my super-secret plan / and I want you by my side always and forever –

**Theon.** It’s now and always!

**Robb.** Sorry, damn…

**Theon.** Am I your brother, now and always?

**Robb.** Now and always!

**Theon.** I give you my sword / to do with as you please / until the last of my days

“Now and Always” ends

 

_Robb and Theon finish the song. They both seem a little embarrassed._

**Theon.** Your Grace…

**Robb.** You don’t have to call me that when we’re alone.

_Theon grins._

**Theon.** I’m pleased you’ve decided to send me to Pyke. You will not regret it. My father is a proud man, but he will lend his ships to our cause at my request.

**Robb.** Are you certain?

**Theon.** Of course. I’m really important, remember?

**Robb.** Sure, Theon.

**Theon.** Fine, I’m _probably_ really important.

_Patrek Mallister arrives._

**Patrek.** Your Grace, Theon’s escort is ready to leave at any moment.

**Theon.** I suppose this is goodbye, then.

**Robb.** I suppose it is.

**Theon.** I guess I’ll be leaving with Patrek now.

**Robb.** Goodbye.

**Theon.** I’ll be alone with another man for weeks.

**Robb.** On second thought, I’ll accompany you to Pyke instead.

**Patrek.** Your Grace, you’re in the middle of fighting a war…

**Robb.** Very well. I will see you when you return, Theon.

_Theon nods and leaves with Patrek._

**Patrek.** I’m beginning to think it was unwise to make a fifteen-year-old king.

**Theon.** What do you know if it, Mallister? Robb makes a fine king…although he has been known to make hilarious japes about Roose Bolton at council meetings.

**Patrek.** I heard that was you.

**Theon.** Oh shut it, Mallister, what do you know? You weren’t there.

_Theon is walking side by side with Patrek Mallister. They meet up with a group of Patrek’s family on the way to Seagard._

**Mallister 1.** _(Points at the comet in the sky.)_ Look at it. It’s a beauty, ain’t it?

**Mallister 2.** A sign is what it is. The old gods sent it to show us the King in the North will be victorious.

**Mallister 1.** The old gods sent it, sure enough, but it means the coming winter will be short and merciful.

**Mallister 3.** You damn fool! Winter ain’t never been merciful and it sure as hell won’t start now! That comet is for the fall of the boy king and his whole lion family. Lannister blood is what that is, smeared across the sky.

_Theon scoffs._

**Patrek.** What? You don’t agree?

**Theon.** The comet’s color agrees with Lannister colors, true enough, but all men bleed crimson.

**Patrek.** Do they? If I cut you, will you bleed saltwater, Greyjoy? _(laughs)_

**Theon.** _(grins)_ I may, but it would be in your best interest not to find out.

**Patrek.** So, Greyjoy, I heard you have a liking of hawking and wenches. You and I should get along just fine.

_Theon doesn’t respond. He seems to be preoccupied with staring at Patrek’s butt._

**Patrek.** I heard you fought beside King Robb in the Whispering Wood. What is the Young Wolf like in battle?

_Theon still doesn’t respond. He is lagging behind now to get a better look at Patrek’s behind. Patrek starts to notice._

**Patrek.** You and I will be spending quite some time together on the way to Pyke. It’s best that we should – listen, quit staring at my ass!

_Theon jerks to attention now. He seems embarrassed and flabbergasted._

**Theon.** No, I just – I was admiring your sword. That sword is…the finest I’ve seen since Robb’s. It is a piece of beauty.

**Patrek.** _(suspicious)_ You’ve seen Lord Eddard’s Valyrian steel firsthand. My sword can’t possibly compare to Ice.

**Theon.** Don’t sell yourself short, Mallister. You have fine steel.

_Patrek still seems suspicious, but Theon’s flattery seems to have won him over._

**Patrek.** Aye? Well, you have my thanks then. My father gifted me this sword on my sixteenth nameday.

**Theon.** He has a good eye. Say, did you mention Robb earlier?

**Patrek.** I did. I wanted to know what the King in the North is like on the battlefield.

**Theon.** Magnificent. Wonderful. He is a true warrior and that wolf of his is equally as fierce.

**Patrek.** Truly?

**Theon.** I’m no liar.

**Patrek.** I also mentioned hawking and wenches. Do either of those interest you as much as praising the Young Wolf?

**Theon.** Perhaps. _(gestures to Patrek’s belt)_ Let me have some of that wine and I may also share a wench I know nearby with you.

_Patrek grins and hands over the skin of wine._

**Patrek.** You’re big on sharing, aren’t you?

**Theon.** Not typically, but I’d make an exception for you.

**Patrek.** Lead the way. I’m curious to meet this woman.

**Theon.** Keep up if you can.

_Theon and Patrek race ahead, laughing._

[Go to next scene]

**Theon.** It seems it’s time for us to part. You weren’t so bad a companion, for a Mallister.

**Patrek.** You have no room to judge. You talked about Robb the entire way here. I will admit sparring with you was interesting, though.

**Theon.** I told you I’m deadly in a fight. It’s like trying to hit a piece of raw spaghetti!

**Patrek.** You tried to whip your dick out halfway through.

**Theon.** That’s how we get shit done in the Iron Islands.

**Patrek.** I bid you farewell, Greyjoy. Good luck on your endeavor.

**Theon.** Thank you, but I don’t need luck. My father will rejoice when I come home and grant me anything I ask of him.

_Patrek departs and Theon boards a merchant ship. He hands his bags to a servant and is approached by the ship’s captain._

**Ship captain.** Lord Greyjoy, welcome. I-I hope I offer you a safe and pleasant voyage to Pyke.

**Theon.** As do I. Are there women on this ship?

**Ship captain.** No women, m’lord, only my daughter.

**Theon.** She will do. Send her to the captain’s cabin where I’ll be staying.

**Ship captain.** _(shocked)_ What? You have my permission to board this ship, but you do _not_ –

**Theon.** I am your lord. I don’t need your permission for anything, not if you want the sack of gold King Robb has promised you.

_Theon walks to the captain’s cabin and begins to undress. The captain’s daughter appears in the doorway._

**Captain’s daughter.** Hello, m’lord. My father said you sent for me… _(blushes)_

**Theon.** You’re the daughter? Aye, I suppose you’ll do. Shut the door and come here.

[Go to next scene]

**Ship captain.** We should arrive on Pyke soon, Lord Greyjoy.

“I Must Never Go Far From the Sea Again” begins

**Theon.** Dear Father, dear Mother / it’s been a while since I last spoke to you / I’m on my way back to Pyke now / and being at home is what I need / but first I’d like to catch you up to speed

It can get so weary when the weather is dreary / It was a living hell at same old Winterfell / where everyone distrusted me because I’m a Greyjoy / but never mind because now / I see new, new adventures for me

Me, me / Finally it’s all about me / Me, me / I’ll never quite fit in with the Starks / and I’ll always go against the grain / but I know this / I must never go far from the sea again

Living in Winterfell was the worst / but now it’s time for me to prove my worth / to show my father how fucking awesome I am / Don’t believe me? Here’s a list / of all the things I’ve done that won’t be dismissed: / In tourneys and battles alike, I was a valuable player / I almost crossed swords with the Kingslayer / I’ve hunted with King Robert / and bedded a hundred girls without spending a copper / Ned Stark was an honorable father / but when it came to respecting me he couldn’t be bothered

I see our stony beach, as far as the eye can reach / Pyke in all its might fills our enemies with fright / In Winterfell I didn’t even get praise for saving Bran’s life / Pyke is not as tall as I’ve known / but now I’m a man grown / This is my time now, and not a Stark in sight / No wolf can cast a shadow on our kraken’s strength / The sea flows so strong in me

Me, me / Finally it’s all about me / Me, me / Now the chill has at last left my bones / Salt and iron course through my veins / And I realize that / I must never go far from the sea again

Soon I will claim my place and take my crown / in a fashion worthy of a song / Nothing could possibly go wrong! / ’Cause I have waited for so long / for a place where I’d truly belong / Where the people are smiling for me / and welcoming their heir back to the sea / I want to be loved so badly / and I know there is so much in store for me

Me, me / Finally it’s all about me / Me, me / I forgot what it was like to be on a ship / or what it means to be an Ironborn man / I must remember this / I must never go far from the sea again

“I Must Never Go Far From the Sea Again” ends

_Theon finishes the song and goes back to his cabin._

**Theon.** Knock, knock. Who’s there? Me…with my peepee.

**Captain’s daughter.** Do all lords act like this?

**Theon.** Be quiet. I’m about to release the kraken.

**Captain’s daughter.** You’re very clever, m’lord. Are you excited to see your home again?

**Theon.** Of course I am. I’ve been away for ten years, stuck in a frozen hell where no one appreciated me for the stud that I am.

**Captain’s daughter.** Oh, m’lord, I’m sor–

**Theon.** Ned Stark even had the nerve to bring me along on all his executions. Do you know what it’s like to watch people being beheaded, knowing that the only thing keeping you from that chopping block is your father’s good behavior? And my father isn’t exactly the most well-behaved man.

**Captain’s daughter.** That sounds awful.

**Theon.** It was. That can really mess up a guy.

**Captain’s daughter.** I’m sorry to hear that, m’lord. Why don’t you let me come ashore with you and offer you comfort?

**Theon.** I’m a man of the Iron Islands. I can nurse my own wounds, woman.

**Captain’s daughter.** I only meant…please take me with you, m’lord Greyjoy. I love you, even if you are…a bit much to handle.

_Theon cackles and seems pleased with himself._

**Theon.** Aye, my little kraken can’t be tamed. And I actually mean _big_ kraken. Get it? Because my cock is big.

**Captain’s daughter.** Actually, I was referring to you being very strange and obsessed with yourself.

**Theon.** I hope you enjoy raising my strange and vain bastard, then. We’ve fucked so many times you’re probably pregnant.

**Captain’s daughter.** Wait, what?

**Theon.** I must go now, captain’s daughter. It was nice knowing you.

_Theon leaves the cabin. The ship has just docked on Pyke._

**Theon.** Oh, good, we’ve arrived. Captain, bring my things on land and announce my arrival.

_Theon descends from the ship._

**Theon.** You, there. Escort me to Pyke.

**Man 1.** Me?

**Theon.** Yes, you. And you will address me as ‘my lord.’ Don’t you know me?

**Aeron.** There will be no need for that. I will escort the boy.

**Theon.** Who are you?

**Aeron.** I see this man isn’t the only one having trouble recognizing faces, nephew.

**Theon.** …Uncle Aeron?

**Aeron.** Theon. Come with me.

_Theon picks up his things and follows his uncle._

**Theon.** Why are you escorting me? I thought my mother and father would…

**Aeron.** It isn’t your place to question your father’s decisions.

**Theon.** Not my place!? I’m Theon fucking Greyjoy!

**Aeron.** Be quiet, boy.

_Theon angrily mutters under his breath and it sounds suspiciously like “He thinks he can tell ME what to do…”_

**Aeron.** You’ve been away from home for ten years. Have you abandoned our god for those of the Starks?

**Theon.** _(scoffs)_ As if the Starks would ever let me embrace anything of theirs. No, I don’t pray to a dumb tree. Ned Stark did and look where that got him.

**Aeron.** Good.

**Theon.** Uncle Aeron…you’re different than I remember. When I was a boy, you were the coolest of all my uncles. You could outdrink anyone and your jokes were legendary! Remember how you would call Uncle Euron ‘Urine’ and Uncle Victarion ‘Vicky Lynn’? That was classic!

**Aeron.** That was stupid. Only a fool would provoke your uncles. They are dangerous men.

**Theon.** _(annoyed)_ Okay…what else has changed since I left?

**Aeron.** Your mother is living with her sister on Harlaw. Your sister Asha is with her _Black Wind_ at the moment, but she will return soon.

**Theon.** Of course Asha’s ship is the _Black Wind._ I know my sister that well. I bet she gets awful _windy_ while at sea…eh? Eh?

**Aeron.** A fart joke about your sister’s ship. Groundbreaking.

**Theon.** Okay, fine, so you’ve heard that one before. But did you know that Robb Stark has a direwolf called Grey Wind? Our house may be different, but they’re both… _windy._

**Aeron.** Don’t try to impress your father with these jokes. They’re terrible.

**Theon.** But–

**Aeron.** This is where I leave you, nephew. You will find your fa–

**Theon.** I know where to go.

_Theon walks to the chamber where his father is staying. He enters and his father turns._

**Balon.** How long did the Stark have you? Nine years?

**Theon.** Ten years.

**Balon.** I see even the honorable Ned Stark isn’t above jabs at my pride. How dare you insult my presence looking like that.

**Theon.** Excuse me for taking a bath.

**Balon.** I’m talking about your silk and velvet. Was it Stark’s idea to dress you as his daughter?

**Theon.** I’m not anyone’s daughter! I’m your heir, with salt and iron in my veins.

**Balon.** Did you pay the iron price for those clothes?

**Theon.** _(humiliated)_ No, Father.

**Balon.** I feared as much. You claim to be my son, but no son of mine would pay the gold price for clothes like some vain woman.

**Theon.** I will change my clothes.

**Balon.** Good.

**Theon.** You misjudge me, Father. I come on behalf of King Robb, but the plan I bring is mine.

**Balon.** The wolf pup listens to you? How cute.

**Theon.** It’s very cute! Thanks for noticing. Robb and I grew close during my captivity, we were practically brothe–

**Balon.** How dare you name him your brother in front of me. King Wolf’s father killed your real brothers or have you forgotten?

**Theon.** I remember Rodrik and Maron. The beatings they gave me are hard to forget.

**Balon.** Your brothers were great men.

**Theon.** Father, I’m not sure you knew Maron and Rodrik all that well.

**Balon.** Of course I did. They were my sons. Once they were dead and you were off playing with the wolves, all I had to count on was Asha. Under my guidance, your sister became a warrior, a captain of her own ship, and overcame the barriers men have put up to stop her.

**Theon.** Asha isn’t that great.

**Balon.** She is an inspiration.

**Theon.** I sailed home to give you this proposal. Will you at least read it?

**Balon.** Give it here.

_Theon hands Balon the message. He reads it._

**Balon.** I see. If I jump through hoops for your boy king, he will allow me to be King of the Iron Islands again.

**Theon.** That…isn’t the right way to look at it.

**Balon.** It’s the only way to look at it. If Robb the Boy lets me become king, what’s to stop him from changing his mind? I will not accept a crown from anyone. I will take it for myself and pay the iron price.

**Theon.** _(in disbelief)_ You–you’re going to refuse? You can’t be serious!

**Balon.** I’ve never been more serious.

**Theon.** Do you have _that_ little respect for me?! I hate you!

_Balon slaps Theon._

**Balon.** Don’t act like a child. _(scoffs)_ Asha would never say something like that. The only thing she hates is being the victim of a cruel gender based society.

**Theon.** Asha has killed men and laughed about it!

**Balon.** As should you! Go be a man. Leave me and think about what you have done.

**Theon.** What have I done?

**Balon.** Go. You need to do some soul searching.

[Go to next scene]

_Theon is admiring his new ship. A woman approaches him from behind._

**Asha.** Do you like what you see?

_Theon turns._

**Theon.** I do.

**Asha.** _(laughs)_ Are you talking about me or the ship?

**Theon.** Both. Although I can’t captain you or ride you to victory.

**Asha.** You could. It depends what kind of victory.

**Theon.** _(laughs)_ I suppose that’s true.

_Theon studies the woman closely._

**Theon.** What happened to you?

**Asha.** What happened to _you,_ lordling?

**Theon.** You know what I mean.

**Asha.** No, actually, I don’t.

**Theon.** This is really awkward.

**Asha.** You made it awkward.

_They are both silent for five seconds._

**Theon.** Stop looking at me like that.

**Asha.** Stop looking at _me_ like that!

**Theon.** Are you going to answer my question?

**Asha.** I don’t know. Why are you so intent on learning what’s wrong with me?

**Theon.** You look similar to an infliction my sister Asha has.

**Asha.** How poetic.

_They are both silent for five more seconds._

**Theon.** This is a painful conversation, but you’re very appealing and I have put my foot too far in my mouth to ever hit that now.

**Asha.** Was that supposed to be an internal monologue?

**Theon.** I’m lonely and horny. No one cares that I’ve come back and they mock me to my face. I haven’t had sex in two days. This is a difficult time for me.

**Asha.** Poor lordling. Could some love from sweet old Esgred lift your spirits?

**Theon.** Fuck Esgred. I want you.

**Asha.** _I’m_ Esgred.

**Theon.** Oh! In that case, I’d welcome your love.

**Asha.** I thought all you wanted was my cunt. Who said anything about love?

**Theon.** _You_ did!

**Asha.** So I did. Forgive me, my prince, my womanly brain is a little scattered. I’m Sigrin’s wife, and new with his child.

**Theon.** And yet you’re offering your love and your cunt to me. Poor Sigrin.

**Asha.** It’s you that should be worried.

**Theon.** Why would you say that?

**Asha.** No reason.

_Asha grabs Theon’s cock. He immediately forgets what she said._

**Asha.** Come, lordling. I’ll take you back to Pyke.

**Theon.** Where have you been all my life?

_Asha lets go of his cock and the two walk away together._

“Where Have You Been All My Life?” begins

**Asha.** Ten years past, Rodrik and Maron were gone / and so was Theon before long, / Swept away to Winterfell / and returned as a shell, / To Robb Stark Theon is sworn, / he is no longer Ironborn

Where is your wit? / Where have you been? / Life goes so slowly / Please tell me again / Why you've gone so soft, / why you think with your cock / and oh where have you been / all of my life?

Theon, you are bound by imaginary chains / Esgred is Sigrin’s ship, not his wife / With so little brains, / how did you get this far in life? / All you do is whine, / I think I liked you better when you were nine

Where is your wit? / Where have you been? / Life goes so slowly / Please tell me again / Why you've gone so soft, / why you think with your cock / and oh where have you been / all of my life?

The sea-salt wind bears no kiss to your brow / I wish I could change it but I don't know how, / I remember the iron that flowed through your veins / It came out and danced when we played our games, / In snow you were prisoned day after day / and now to weak silver you've wasted away

“Where Have You Been All My Life?” ends

**Theon.** Wait a moment. I need to fetch my squire from the inn.

**Asha.** Oh, you’d best be careful. He might tell my husband about your wandering eyes.

**Theon.** Wex won’t say a word. Luckily for us, he was born dumb and mute.

**Asha.** His disability is our luck? That’s incredibly insensitive.

**Theon.** Now you sound like my sister.

**Asha.** What a coincidence.

**Theon.** _(shouting)_ Wex, we’re leaving! Take your gambling money and saddle up your horse. What’s the matter with you? Don’t stare at Esgred like that. It’s like you’ve never seen a woman before.

_Wex saddles his horse and follows Theon and Asha. They are sharing a horse._

**Asha.** You’re not very good with children. It’s like you’ve never had a squire before.

**Theon.** I admit I didn’t have many servants at Winterfell. Hostages aren’t offered much more than courtesy.

**Asha.** How sad. You must have had _some_ good times at Winterfell. Tell me about those.

**Theon.** If you insist. I did come only an arm’s length away from crossing swords with the Kingslayer.

**Asha.** Impressive.

**Theon.** I made good friends with Robb Stark, but don’t mention that to my father. Let’s see…once in the godswood I took five dicks at once –

**Asha.** You took five dicks at once?

**Theon.** I had five girls _on_ my dick at once! Forgive me, I misspoke.

**Asha.** …I see.

**Theon.** We will arrive on Pyke soon. My father will host a feast tonight. You should accompany me.

**Asha.** And what of after? Would you have me accompany you to your bed?

**Theon.** If it please you. And why shouldn’t it? I’m a great lover.

**Asha.** I suppose I’ll find out if that’s true soon enough.

**Theon.** So you will. We’ve arrived – hey, where are you going?

**Asha.** To dress for the feast. My lord father is expecting me.

**Theon.** Your father…?

**Asha.** Aye. I believe you know him. You call him Father, too, if I recall.

**Theon.** … _Asha?_

**Asha.** _(laughs)_ Aye, the one and only. It was so good of you to escort me to Pyke, little brother.

**Theon.** No…no, you can’t be Asha.

**Asha.** Oh, but I am. I bet Father will love hearing about how you took five dicks at once when you were done praying to the North’s gods.

**Theon.** I-I _wasn’t_ praying in the godswood, and I had five girls on my dick at once, you evil bitch!

_Asha laughs and leaves. Theon scowls._

[Go to next scene]

_Theon arrives at his father’s feast scowling. He sits down next to Asha._

**Balon.** You’re late, Theon.

**Theon.** Forgive me, Father. I took a while to pick out clothes for your feast.

**Balon.** You’re wearing all black.

**Theon.** Thank you for noticing.

_Theon calls a serving wench and has her pour him glass after glass of wine._

**Asha.** You should slow down, little brother. Why the rush to get drunk?

**Theon.** I’m drinking to be sick. On you, specifically. Soon you’ll be as humiliated as I.

**Asha.** _(grins)_ Oho, is that right? If you had bothered to learn a thing about this place since your return, my Esgred scheme never would have fooled you.

**Theon.** Yes, clearly this is _my_ fau – wait a minute. Are you saying you were never married to Sigrin in the first place?!

**Asha.** Great detective work. Nothing gets past you.

**Theon.** Damn! I was going to blackmail you with that.

**Asha.** Better luck next time, baby brother.

_Balon summons Victarion, Aeron, Asha, and Theon to his chambers to discuss battle plans. They follow._

**Balon.** It is time you all heard my plans.

**Theon.** I have some ideas –

**Balon.** Did I ask you to speak? Hush, boy.

_Theon pouts._

**Balon.** Theon, you will take eight ships to raid the Stony Shore. Dagmer Cleftjaw and your Uncle Aeron will accompany you.

**Theon.** Are you serious?! What damage can I do with eight ships? And I _don’t_ need to be babysat!

**Balon.** You do until you’ve proved you aren’t still the Young Wolf’s puppet.

**Theon.** How can I prove _anything_ with eight ships?

**Aeron.** You can start by agreeing to a proper baptism. It’s the first step to becoming a true Ironborn.

**Theon.** I _am_ a true Ironborn!

**Aeron.** Prove it.

**Theon.** I’ll do the baptism _if_ I get more ships!

**Balon.** No.

**Theon.** Okay, deal.

**Balon.** Asha, my daughter, I want you to take thirty ships to seize Deepwood Motte. If you do your job well, as I know you will, you will sneak in their walls before they realize you’re there.

**Asha.** My own castle! How cool. The on, what are you getting?

**Theon.** Your head on a stick if you don’t keep your mouth shut, bitch!

**Balon.** That’s enough! Get out of my sight, both of you!

_Asha and Theon leave the room._

**Balon.** You will never understand the woes I face as a single parent.

**Victarion.** You’ve done a bang-up job with those two.

_Out in the hall Asha and Theon are still bickering._

**Theon.** I can’t believe you humiliated me on my own homecoming. You’re the worst.

**Asha.** Quit whining. Here, I’ll say something nice: you’re more like Father than you know.

**Theon.** _(perks up)_ Really?

**Asha.** Yes. You even have the receding hairline.

**Theon.** Words hurt.

[Go to next scene]

_Asha and Balon look on as Aeron baptizes Theon._

“What is Dead May Never Die” begins

**Aeron.** Theon is the true heir / but he is not my choice for the Seastone Chair / a boy with nothing to offer besides sulks and smiles / he is hardly more than a child / raised in the North by strangers / in nearly ten years he has never prayed here / Nothing is more important than the Seastone Chair / a godless man will not sit there

**Theon.** What is dead may never die / but rises again harder and stronger, / the sea is a jealous mistress / who drowns those who have wronged her, / I’ll do all I can to prove I’m still Ironborn / and that my loyalties aren’t torn, / I want to prove to my father that I’m a man / Please, I need to make him understand

**Balon.** Theon is my last living son / it would appear the Seastone Chair has been won / but the better choice by far is Asha / who is ruthless and clever and doesn’t  crumble under pressure / my daughter Asha outshines her brother in every aspect / she has even earned pillaging pirates’ respect

**Theon.** What is dead may never die / but rises again harder and stronger, / the sea is a jealous mistress / who drowns those who have wronged her, / I’ll do all I can to prove I’m still Ironborn / and that my loyalties aren’t torn, / I want to prove to my father that I’m a man / Please, I need to make him understand

**Asha.** Oh, Theon, baby brother of mine / you’ve been away in the North and had no time to shine / now that you’re back it’s time you prove your worth / but I’m not worried – I’ve been outshining you since birth / have fun raiding fishing villages and siring bastards / I’ll be on my way to my crown by capturing a castle

“What is Dead May Never Die” ends

**Aeron.** Stand up, Nephew Theon. The ceremony is finished.

_Theon shakily gets to his feet._

**Theon.** So, it’s done then? The Drowned God approves of me?

**Aeron.** Theon, it will be a long time before _anyone_ approves of you. Aim lower.

_Aeron leaves, and Asha and Balon approach Theon._

**Theon.** What an ass! Can you believe that guy? I did everything I was supposed to and he still treats me like I’m nothing!

**Asha.** All you had to do was get on your knees while he poured saltwater on your face.

**Theon.** Yeah, but I did it, didn’t I? And I think I got some saltwater in my eye. That counts for something, doesn’t it?

**Balon.** Why do you expect a prize for doing even the simplest task? Maron and Rodrik would have killed a man just because I asked them to.

**Theon.** That’s because they were vicious thugs who liked to inflict pain.

**Balon.** Exactly! Why can’t you be more like that?

_Balon leaves, and Theon sulks._

**Asha.** Cheer up, Theon. Soon you’ll be looting fishermen and raping their ugly daughters. What better way to put a man in a good mood?

**Theon.** Is that a joke? Those things are so trivial. They’ll barely catch Father’s attention, let alone get his approval.

**Asha.** Rodrik and Maron would have done it with pleasure. You have to start somewhere.

**Theon.** But –

**Asha.** Will you shut it already?! You whine more now than you did ten years ago, and you were a child then. Just face the hard facts: Father likes me and he doesn’t like you.

_Asha leaves._

**Theon.** Not for long…

[Go to next scene]

_Theon and his men are raiding the Stony Shore._

**Dagmer.** You have done a good job here, Theon. I’m impressed.

**Theon.** Don’t be. I have done nothing worthy of your admiration. This task is so simple it’s impossible to screw up.

**Dagmer.** And yet there was still a betting pool on the Islands over whether or not you would succeed.

**Theon.** What?!

**Dagmer.** I bet in your favor, of course. You’ve won me a handsome sum of money.

**Theon.** Thanks, Uncle. Your support means a lot to me. So much, in fact, that I was hoping I could rely on it for my next endeavor.

**Dagmer.** I hate to say this, but I don’t trust you enough to bet on you a second time. For all I know, this success could have been a fluke.

**Theon.** It wasn’t, and I’ll prove it. I have a plan so amazing, and if it works you’ll never hesitate to bet on me again.

**Dagmer.** Aye…I’m interested. What is this plan of yours?

**Theon.** I need you to lead a host of Ironborn and take Torrhen’s Square. Once you do, Ser Rodrik will leave his post at Winterfell to take it back.

**Dagmer.** So?

**Theon.** _So_ , it means Winterfell will be free for the taking. What do you say, Uncle? Are you with me?

**Dagmer.** Ah, what the hell?

[Go to next scene]

_Theon and his men have just finished sneaking into Winterfell with grappling claws and ropes in the dead of night._

**Theon.** _(screaming)_ I’M THE PRINCE OF WINTERFELL, BITCHES!

_Theon orders his men to gather the occupants of the castle to the Great Hall. He goes to Bran Stark’s room to speak with him._

**Bran.** Theon? I heard you screaming out there. Are you all right?

**Theon.** I’m more than all right. I’m fucking ecstatic.

**Bran.** Is Robb with you?

**Theon.** No, Bran. I have captured your castle and crowned myself the Prince of Winterfell. Now we’re both princes. Cool, huh?

**Bran.** _(outraged)_ No way! You can’t do that!

**Theon.** Well, I just did, so…

**Bran.** Did not!

**Theon.** Did, too!

_Theon sits down on the edge of the bed._

**Theon.** Listen, kid. A good lord will do anything to protect his people. So you’ll go down to the Great Hall and tell everyone that you’ve yielded Winterfell to me to keep them safe. Got it?

**Bran.** Oh, all right. But Robb will kill you when he finds out what you’ve done!

**Theon.** Robb and I are best buds at the very least, and this betrayal is harder on me than you can imagine, so I don’t need _you_ making me feel worse. God.

**Bran.** Well, sorr-ee. Clearly I’m at fault here.

**Theon.** Just prepare your speech so you don’t make a fool of yourself. I’ll send someone to help you get dressed.

_Theon leaves Bran’s chambers and enters the Great Hall. He takes a seat at the high seat of the Starks, Ned Stark’s former seat._

**Theon.** Gods, this feels good. I never imagined I would one day rule Ned Stark’s domain. I am _unstoppable!_

_Maester Luwin carries Bran into the Great Hall, and is followed by Rickon Stark and two unfamiliar children._

**Theon.** _(gestures to the children)_ Who are these little wretches?

**Bran.** Meera and Jojen Reed. They have come to renew their loyalty to Winterfell in these desperate times.

**Theon.** Bad timing, eh? That sucks for you. I’m the Prince of Winterfell now and you’ll swear your fealty to me.

_An ironborn man approaches Theon with a stinky prisoner in hand._

**Ironborn 1.** I found this one locked away. He says he’s called Reek.

**Theon.** _(laughs)_ I can only imagine why. Have you always smelled this badly, Reek?

**Ramsay.** Since birth, m’lord.

**Theon.** Unfortunate. Now, Bran, tell your people what we discussed upstairs.

**Bran.** I’ve yielded Winterfell to Theon.

**Theon.** I’m a prince now. You’d do best to remember that.

**Bran.** I’ve yielded Winterfell to _Prince_ Theon.

**Theon.** Better. Who will bend the knee to their new prince?

_Ramsay takes a knee in front of Theon._

**Ramsay.** I will.

**Theon.** Very good. I’m glad to have you, Reek. Take a bath first, though.

**Ramsay.** Aye, m’lord.

**Theon.** Anyone else?

_Osha steps forward and takes a knee._

**Osha.** I bend the knee, m’lord. I’m tired of being a captive and working in the kitchens under Robb Stark’s command. I’d like a spear in my hand again.

**Theon.** Oh, all right. But any trouble and it’s back to the kitchens for you, slut.

**Osha.** Yes, m’lord.

**Theon.** Will anyone else bend the knee and pledge their loyalty to their new prince?

_No one moves. Theon seems disappointed._

**Theon.** Very well. I’ll make do with what I have, then. Go on, the rest of you. Don’t cause trouble for your new prince.

[Go to next scene]

_Theon is sleeping fitfully in Lord Eddard’s bed next to Kyra. He jerks awake after a nightmare. This wakes Kyra, who looks at him sleepily._

**Kyra.** What’s the matter, m’lord?

**Theon.** Does…does it seem too quiet to you?

**Kyra.** Is this the set-up for another pick-up line, m’lord? I already told you, you don’t need to use those on me. I’m already sleeping with you.

**Theon.** No, shut up. Go back to sleep.

_Theon gets out of bed and throws on clothes before rushing out the door. His guards, who were dozing, snap awake as he shoves the door open._

**Theon.** Do you hear that?

**Guard 1.** Hear what?

**Guard 2.** I don’t hear anything. Why did you wake me from my nap?

**Theon.** Why are you sleeping on the job?! You’re supposed to be guardi–never mind. Why aren’t the damn direwolves howling?

**Guard 1.** Maybe they fell asleep.

**Theon.** Don’t be an idiot!

_Theon rushes to Bran Stark’s room and finds it empty._

**Theon.** Fuck!

_He runs back to Lord Eddard’s chambers._

**Theon.** Go to Prince Rickon’s chambers. If he isn’t there, search the castle. Now!

_Guards 1 and 2 shuffle off to do Theon’s bidding. Theon enters his room to put on heavier clothing. Kyra is awake again._

**Kyra.** M’lord, what–?

**Theon.** Go back to sleep, I said!

_Once Theon is properly clothed, he puts his sword in his belt and exits the room. He makes his way to the Great Hall and waits for his guards there. While waiting, Ramsay approaches him._

**Ramsay.** M’lord, I heard a stir in the castle. Can I be of assistance?

**Theon.** Ah…yes. Thank you, Reek. Wake up the rest of my men and bring them here. And hey…didn’t I order you to bathe?

**Ramsay.** I did, m’lord.

**Theon.** …Just round up my men.

_Ramsay leaves and Theon moves back a few steps to escape the lingering smell._

**Theon.** Poor, smelly bastard.

_Ramsay returns with all of Theon’s men in toe, including Guards 1 and 2._

**Guard 2.** No sign of them, m’lord. The direwolves are gone as well, along with the halfwit and the wildling.

**Theon.** Goddamn it! That’s the last time I trust a wildling.

**Guard 1.** Why did you trust this one?

**Theon.** She had great, big…charisma. I just – don’t question your prince!

**Ramsay.** What do you suggest we do, m’lord?

**Theon.** Round up the horses. The hunting party leaves now. I _will_ find Bran and Rickon by the day’s end.

_Maester Luwin rushes into the Great Hall just as the Ironborn begin clearing out._

**Maester Luwin.** Theon–

**Theon.** _Prince_ Theon.

**Maester Luwin.** Prince Theon…what is the meaning of this?

**Theon.** I’m hunting down my hostages. Reek, fetch a horse for the maester. He could be of some use on our hunt.

**Maester Luwin.** Hunt? M’lord, you can’t be serio–

**Theon.** I’m _deadly_ serious. If I was any more serious, I’d be Jon Snow and I’d hate to be that dull.

**Maester Luwin.** My prince, please think about what you are doing. They are only children–

_Ramsay returns with a horse for Maester Luwin._

**Ramsay.** Traitors is what they are. They disobeyed their prince and must pay the prince. Prince Theon, I beg you let me strip off some skin when we drag them all back.

**Theon.** You want…to _flay_ them? I…think not. That seems a bit extreme. I’ll just give them a spanking or something.

**Maester Luwin.** Do you mean it truly, Theon? You will be merciful with the boys?

**Theon.** Merciful is my middle name! Aye, I’ll treat the boys nice enough if they’re found soon. They were never that annoying during my stay at Winterfell and they’ll be rewarded for that.

**Ramsay.** Prince Theon, we ought to leave soon. The little lordlings already have a head start on us.

**Theon.** They won’t get far. We have horses, a hunting party, and Winterfell’s best dogs. All they have on us is a few hours on foot. Still, it would be a shame to lose them because of dilly dallying.

[Go to next scene]

_Theon and his hunting party have been traveling all day. The dogs caught a few scents and a few footprints were found, but no Bran and Rickon. Theon is getting angry._

**Theon.** Goddamn it! I’m the best hunter in Winterfell and I’m being bested by two little boys and some traitors? This is bullshit!

**Ramsay.** Hunting a man is quite a different experience from hunting animals. More difficult, but also more exhilarating.

**Theon.** Hmm – wait, what the fuck?

**Maester Luwin.** Theon, perhaps we should call it a day and–

**Ramsay.** Prince Theon! There’s a farm up ahead!

**Theon.** Excellent! Let’s go get some fresh milk and regroup in the morning.

**Ramsay.** _No,_ m’lord, the boys could be hiding there!

**Theon.** Oh, of course. Little boys love milk. Onward!

_Theon and his party ride ahead to the farm. The farmer and his wife come out to investigate._

**Farmer.** What is going on here?

**Theon.** I am Prince Theon Greyjoy of the Iron Islands and I’ve seized Winterfell. My hostages, Bran and Rickon Stark have escaped and I’m searching for them. Have you seen two little boys around your farm? Perhaps lurking near your cow?

**Farmer’s Wife.** The only boys here are the two orphans we took in after their parents were killed in the war. We haven’t seen any lordlings, m’lord, I swear it.

**Theon.** Orphan boys? Bring them out here. I’ll question them as well.

_Ramsay approaches Theon and they have a quiet, private conversation._

**Ramsay.** My prince, we are no closer to finding Bran and Rickon than we were this morning. These orphans could be the answer.

**Theon.** I know, that’s why I sent for them. They could know something.

**Ramsay.** No, m’lord, they could be helpful in another way. I propose we kill the boys and flay off their faces so no one can tell the differences. Pass them off as the lordlings you lost. Just look at them!

_The orphans are approaching._

**Theon.** What is it with you and flaying?? You’re starting to creep me out!

**Ramsay.** This is a real solution, my prince. No one will be able to tell the difference between these boys and the ones you lost once I disfigure the bodies.

**Theon.** But that’s, like… _murder._

**Ramsay.** Aye, it is, and you must be a hard man if you are going to hold Winterfell. I would do all the dirty work for you. Just give me your permission and look away.

**Farmer’s Wife.** Here they are, m’lord!

**Theon.** Guards…escort Maester Luwin back to Winterfell.

**Maester Luwin.** What is the meaning of this?

_Theon’s guards drag him off the farm before he can get an answer._

**Theon.** _(to the farmer and his wife)_ Thank you for your help. I just want to give the boys…a makeover.

**Ramsay.** A makeover? I’m flaying off their faces, not helping them play dress up.

**Farmer, Farmer’s Wife, and Orphans 1 and 2:** WHAT?!

**Theon.** I was trying to be subtle! God!

[Go to next scene]

_Theon and his entire hunting party are back at Winterfell. He has asked his guards to summon the entire castle to the yard for the unveiling._

**Theon.** I want you all to know that you pushed me to this. I tried to be the cool dad that Ned Stark never was to me, but I’ve found fatherhood doesn’t suit me. Bran and Rickon disobeyed my authority and attempted escape…here is how I repaid them.

_Theon directs the crowd’s attention to Ramsay, who unveils two small dead bodies on the back of a cart. The bodies belong to little boys and the faces are flayed off. The crowd begins to scream and cry, and Theon’s Ironborn are forced to reprimand them. Little do they know that the boys are_ not _Bran and Rickon._

**Theon.** Settle down! _Settle down!_ These brats should have known better to cross me!

**Winterfell Man 1.** Robb will _kill_ you for this! Craven!

**Theon.** …Robb?

**Ramsay.** M’lord, shall I hang up the boys at the front gate now?

**Theon.** I forgot about Robb.

**Winterfell Woman 1.** You’ll _never_ rule over Winterfell, Greyjoy! Never!

**Theon.** What have I done?

[Go to next scene]

_A few days have passed since “Bran and Rickon” have been killed. Theon is sulking in his bedchambers when he hears a knock on the door._

**Theon.** Go away! I’m having Me Time.

**Maester Luwin.** It’s important, m’lord, and you’ve been having Me Time for days.

**Theon.** Oh, all right. Come in

_Maester Luwin enters._

**Theon.** What do you want?

**Maester Luwin.** Prince Theon, your sister has just arrived.

_Theon sits up, both intrigued and annoyed._

**Theon.** Asha’s here? _Now?_ I sent her dozens of ravens after I took this castle, but she doesn’t show up until I make a mistake so she can gloat. Classic Asha.

**Maester Luwin.** In these dark times, I find small comfort in the fact that at least you know killing Bran and Rickon was a mistake.

**Theon.** What? I never said that. You’re crazy, old man. Tell my sister I will be down to greet her in a few minutes.

_Maester Luwin leaves._

**Theon.** Fucking Asha. Gods. This is so…typical of her. Well, let’s see her try to laugh at me while I’m wearing the world’s coolest crown!

_Theon puts on the ugliest crown known to man. He strolls out of his bedchamber in a short moment of confidence. We cut to Asha and her men in the Great Hall, who are now having a good laugh at Theon’s crown._

**Asha.** What the _fuck_ do you have on your head?

**Theon.** I’ll have you know my hair looks great, as usual! Now stop laughing!

**Asha.** For once, I’m not laughing at your hair. Is that hideous thing supposed to be a crown?

**Theon.** Oh, shut up! You’re just jealous that I have a crown _and_ a castle, and you just have a castle. Never thought I’d one-up you, did ya, big sister?

**Asha.** Ha. Yes, clearly I’m jealous of a few twigs and branches glued together–

**Theon.** Hey!

**Asha.** –but that’s not why I’m here. Father sent me. He wants me to tell you that you’re grounded and you need to come home immediately.

**Theon.** I’m _grounded?_ For what? Exceeding expectations? Aiming too high?

**Asha.** Theon, all Father asked you to do was raid a few irrelevant fishing villages. Instead, you murdered the heirs to Winterfell and turned the entire North against you, and by extension, our whole house. Surely you can understand why he’s upset.

**Theon.** Well…I mean…when you look at it like _that_ …

**Asha.** I don’t have a lot of time to just hang out here, as amusing as this conversation is. Pack your things. We leave for Pyke as soon as you’re finished.

**Theon.** I’m not going anywhere! _I_ captured this castle and _I_ mean to keep it.

**Asha.** Ser Rodrik is on his way back here with what’s left of Robb Stark’s bannermen. When they arrive, you’ll be hanged or beheaded or worse. Leave with me now and you may live.

**Theon.** And come back home a coward and a fool? No way. I will go back in victory and to retrieve my crown, or not at all.

**Asha.** Theon–

**Theon.** I am the Prince of Winterfell. I’ve come too far to look back now.

**Asha.** That doesn’t have to be true.

**Theon.** I will not abandon this castle. Go back to Father and tell him _that,_ why don’t you? Make sure to write down every detail about his reaction and send it back to me. I’ll reread the moment of receiving my father’s approval when I need a pick me up.

**Asha.** _(sadly)_ Aye, Theon. I’ll write you all about how proud Father is of you. I just hope you live to see it. _(To her men)_ We’re done here. Let’s go. _(To Theon one last time)_ Goodbye, Theon.

**Theon.** Goodbye, Asha.

_Asha and her men leave. Neither will ever admit it, but Asha and Theon both separate with heavy hearts. After his sister leaves, Theon calls all his Ironborn to the yard._

**Theon.** MEN! I’m told that armies are marching to take this castle from us. Will you prove yourselves true Ironborn or go running after my sister Asha?

“The Stones of Winterfell Have Turned Against Me” begins

**Theon.** They say Ironmen are without fear / that the might of Pyke is absolute / It's true they want us gone / but my leadership is resolute / Our ships have braved far worse storms / Winterfell reaps big rewards! / Think about what could be yours! / Glory, gold, and northern whores / Its townsfolk will one day see our ways / and let those who must, now retreat / Go, leave without delay / but here I firmly plant my feet / Winterfell is ours! / If you'll go where I will go / and by our words, 'we do not sow' / Fight within these towers!

Winterfell was taken by my Ironborn / to me their loyalty should be sworn / Instead they defy me and make it clear I’m despised / Why do I even try? / I had hoped for a little respect / but it seems here there is no shred of decency left / Capturing the heart of the North was my great deed / I will die before giving it up and my fear won’t be seen / Lately, it feels like / the stones of Winterfell have turned against me

_(spoken)_ Who's with me!?

It doesn't matter if my sister / has claimed my father's admiration / I don't need the sea behind me / Just every man at this station / Will you stay and fight? / If not, get out of my sight / Don’t be shy, the time to choose is now / Wex, Black Lorren, and Red Rolfe, / you will help me fight the wolf, / Kromm, Werlag, Tymor and his brothers, / you’re far braver than any others, / Ulf the Ill, Harrag and Kenned the Whale, / Strap on your swords and chainmail, / Last comes four Harlaws and two Botleys / If you had left, you’d get your crotch kneed

Winterfell was taken by my Ironborn / to me their loyalty should be sworn / Instead they defy me and make it clear I’m despised / Why do I even try? / I had hoped for a little respect / but it seems here there is no shred of decency left / Capturing the heart of the North was my great deed / I will die before giving it up and my fear won’t be seen / Lately, it feels like / the stones of Winterfell have turned against me

They say Ironmen are without fear / We'll show them that those words ring true / Not one, or five hundred mainland men / are worth any more than one of you / Our names remembered on an Ironman's last breath / Immortalized at this battle beyond death / and let the North never forget / that on this soil, they will regret / A battle they'll sing about from this day on / where we die with a thousand wounds / whether there are those that live to see we've won / or those that fall to icy tombs / Winterfell is mine, it's yours / Northmen will never again storm out shores / and with an unyielding battle cry / Remember; what is dead may never die

“The Stones of Winterfell Have Turned Against Me” ends

[Go to next scene]

_Theon is in his bedchamber once again, drinking wine. A knock is heard at the door._

**Theon.** Come in!

_Maester Luwin enters._

**Maester Luwin.** You asked for me, m’lord?

**Theon.** I did. I rule over Winterfell and you serve me now. I hear Ser Rodrik is hours away and things might get…not so chill for me when he arrives. I need your advice.

**Maester Luwin.** Honestly? I think you should flee the castle and join the Night’s Watch.

**Theon.** Okay, not what I was expecting. I was hoping for something more like ‘believe in yourself.’

**Maester Luwin.** When have I ever been kind or supportive of you, Theon?

**Theon.** True.

**Maester Luwin.** All your crimes can be forgiven once you take the black. It’s the only good option you have left.

**Theon.** Jon Snow will murder me in my sleep! I bet you’d _love_ that. Is that your plan, maester?

**Maester Luwin.** Joining the Night’s Watch is your only chance for redemption.

**Theon.** Something tells me that’s not true. I’m going to keep falling into this hole I’ve dug for myself and hope for the best. You can leave now.

[Go to next scene]

_The next morning, Theon wakes up early to the sound of an army around his walls. He gathers his men in the yard right away._

**Ironborn 1.** Do you have a plan, m’lord? This is starting to look bad for us.

**Theon.** I do, actually! I sent Reek beyond the walls last night to fetch Lord Bolton and his army for our use. He has an inside man, I guess.

**Ironborn 1.** _(nervous)_ Is that all?

**Theon.** Not quite. Ironborn 2 and 3, go get me Beth Rodrik.

**Ironborn 2.** Did you just call us Ironborn 2 and 3?

**Ironborn 3.** You don’t know our _names?!_

**Theon.** Just get the girl!

_Ironborn 2 and 3 leave, sulking._

**Theon.** Okay, now I will go to parley with Ser Rodrik. Open the gates.

_Other Ironborn that Theon doesn’t know the names of open the gate for him. He rides his horse Smiler out to meet Ser Rodrik._

“Chafed Me Raw” begins

**Ser Rodrik.** Come out and face me, Theon Turncloak / I eagerly await the moment I get to cut your throat / Ned Stark treated you as one of his own sons / now look at what you have done / It is to my shame that I taught you to use the sword / that you now use to dishonor my liege lord

**Theon.** Ser Rodrik, you should have thought before you spoke / You have made an error in calling me Theon Turncloak / I have said again and again that I was not a hostage, but a prisoner / but I fear those in Winterfell are not very good listeners / Every day here I spent a prisoner clinging to a shred of hope / until I returned home and instead of fear, it was a crown I saw / My noose was not made of hempen rope / but all the same it chafed me raw

**Ser Rodrik.** I demand you give up this castle / and I will let your men leave without hassle / You will not be so fortunate, I’m afraid / This does not end until a corpse of you I have made

**Theon.** _(spoken)_ Do you see who stands behind me? Your daughter with a noose of her own. If you do not call off your bannermen by sunset, she will hang.

**Ser Rodrik.** _(spoken)_ This is cowardly, Greyjoy! Even for you!

**Theon.** Ser Rodrik, you should have thought before you spoke / You have made an error in calling me Theon Turncloak / I have said again and again that I was not a hostage, but a prisoner / but I fear those in Winterfell are not very good listeners / Every day here I spent a prisoner clinging to a shred of hope / until I returned home and instead of fear, it was a crown I saw / My noose was not made of hempen rope / but all the same it chafed me raw

**Ser Rodrik.** You are a coward with a lord’s name, Greyjoy / You will regret this when my large army slays, boy / Look at the fear on Beth’s poor, sweet face / Show some mercy and let me take her place

**Theon.** _(spoken)_ Nice try, ser. I think not. If you do not leave Winterfell, after Beth dies more hostages will be sacrificed at every sunrise and sunset. Think it over, old man.

“Chafed Me Raw” ends

_Theon rides Smiler back into Winterfell and the gates shut behind him._

**Ironborn 1.** Can we hang that girl already? It’s been days since we were dicks to someone for no reason.

**Theon.** Not yet, God! Give Ser Rodrik time to consider my off–

**Ironborn 2.** Theon! Reek is at the gate. He’s brought an army!

**Theon.** _(excited)_ He has?!

_The Ironborn open the gate. Theon is about to greet Reek when Ramsay clubs him over the head and knocks him off his horse._

**Ramsay.** My days as Reek are over. Yours, however…

ACT II

“Reek, Reek, It Rhymes with Freak” begins

**Ramsay.** My Reek and I had an act of class / In what we did we were always the best / Wherever we went the girls started dropping like flies / but we were crudely separated without saying our goodbyes / It’s a tragedy, but you know what I say / At least he had the honor of dying in my place

**Ramsay.** _(spoken)_ Listen, Reek, you might have thought yourself a prince in the past, but you know you’re nothing, right? Why, you should be glad that I’m giving you this opportunity to make yourself useful again!

**Theon.** _(spoken)_ Yes, master.

**Ramsay.** _(spoken)_ Now come on, pet, I’ll show you what to do…

**Ramsay.** You’ve got a part to play/ A song to sing / A brand new spanking dance routine / So come on, Reek, let’s move your feet / It’s time to start anew / You need to walk the walk / to talk the talk / Thank the gods you already smell the part / and we’ll never, ever be apart / I’ll keep you at my side / In your heart you know / that it’s right / to never put up a fight / You’re weak and meek / and you know it’s true / Reek, Reek, it rhymes with freak

**Theon.** Reek knows when to listen, Reek is barely a man / Master knows best, I must obey / and if that means I need to play / I must play the part / and sing a song / do what he says and dance along / Be quiet and hold my tongue / if I want to keep my feet / I need to walk the walk / to talk the talk / Be grateful to sleep with the dogs / and accept that we’ll never be apart / He’ll keep me at his side / In my heart I know / that it’s right / I wouldn’t dare put up a fight / I’m weak and meek / and I know it’s true / Reek, Reek, it rhymes with freak

**Ramsay.** Come now, Reek / feel the rhythm and move your feet / You’ll have to dance much faster / if you want to please your master / Cheer up, we’ve got big plans / You’ll be of use even though you’re not a man / / You’ll be my creature / until you meet the Stranger / Theon died and Reek was born / Oh, how I’m glad, all Theon did was treat me with scorn / Theon endured the flaying / so Reek could be my plaything / Reek, Reek, it rhymes with freak

**Theon.** There is no escape and no use for dreams / Kyra taught me that, she and her keys / Kyra unlocked my cell and we ran into the night / but Master followed and Kyra perished under his bitches’ deadly bite / In order to survive / I must serve and obey / but more importantly remember my name / Reek, Reek, it rhymes with freak / and meek and weak / it rhymes with leek, shriek, and sneak / Reek, Reek, it rhymes with freak

“Reek, Reek, It Rhymes with Freak” ends

**Ramsay.** Reek, do you know why I’ve summoned you from the dungeons?

**Theon.** To do that musical number?

**Ramsay.** No, that was just a spur of the moment thing.

**Theon.** My mistake. Forgive me, my lord.

**Ramsay.** My lords, meet my friend Reek. We’ve been companions ever since he was given to me by my father as a boy. Reek is very dear to me.

_Ramsay gestures to the two lords sitting at the table with him. Reek is standing quite a few feet away because they’re eating and he_ smells, _but the lords still look disgusted._

**Lord 1.** I thought your servant boy died.

**Ramsay.** Reek will never die.

**Lord 2.** Send this creature away. He smells of piss and vomit and I’d hoped to recover my appetite.

**Ramsay.** Ha! Back in your glory days, I bet you never dreamed you would be spoken to like that, eh, Reek?

**Theon.** As you say, my lord.

**Lord 2.** What do you mean…back in his glory days?

**Ramsay.** Don’t you recognize him? I admit, he does look different without his silks and velvets, and smiles with pretty teeth…

**Lord 1.** No…it can’t be. Is that Theo–?

**Theon.** _(yelps)_ DON’T!

**Ramsay.** He doesn’t go by that name anymore.

**Lord 2.** He is a shell of a man now. Kill him so I can go back to my dinner.

**Ramsay.** I don’t think so. Reek, I have news for you. I’m to be married soon.

**Theon.** Married, my lord? But I thought you loved being a bachelor.

**Ramsay.** I do, but sadly, that part of my life is over. My father is bringing me Arya Stark to wed and continue the Bolton family name with. You remember Arya?

**Theon.** Yes, my lord. I remember her.

**Ramsay.** Good, and I know how happy you must be for the both of us.

**Theon.** Yes, of course, my lord. Congratulations.

**Ramsay.** You are my most faithful servant, Reek. Who better to fetch me my wedding present?

**Theon.** M-My lord?

**Ramsay.** A pesky group of your Ironborn currently hold Moat Cailin. I need you to take it back.

[Go to next scene]

_Theon is naked in the bathtub washing himself while Ramsay supervises._

**Ramsay.** Your cleanliness and new garb is all for show. Remember that. Inside you are still Reek. Always.

**Theon.** Yes, my lord. Always.

**Ramsay.** You will pretend to be Prince Theon Greyjoy, which is laughable because I killed him a long time ago. Those simple-minded Ironborn should lap it up, if you play your part well. When you return, you’ll be rewarded handsomely. Doesn’t that sound swell?

**Theon.** Yes, my lord.

**Ramsay.** I’m cutting you loose for the first time in nine months, so remember this: I see and know everything. A few miles does not change that. If you betray me or try to run or fight–

**Theon.** I won’t, my lord, never.

**Ramsay.** Good. Because I see _everything._ That’s why I’m watching you bathe today. It’s a metaphor.

**Theon.** Very clever, my lord.

[Go to next scene]

_Theon is dressed in armor with the Greyjoy kraken embroidered on the front. He is clean and atop a horse and looks as lordly as he can manage. The gates open and he is sent on his way._

**Theon.** Don’t look back…don’t look back…you’ll seem weak, _don’t look back._

_Theon travels in silence for a bit. Finally, he sees Moat Cailin in the distance and has his horse move a little faster. He wants this over with._

**Ironborn 4.** STOP! Who goes there?

_Theon stops._

**Theon.** If you let me in, I’ll tell you.

**Ironborn 4.** Wha–?! That’s not how this works! I have all the leverage here, now tell me your name!

**Theon.** Fine. I’m Th-Theon Greyjoy, son of Balon and heir to the Iron Islands.

**Ironborn 4.** _(scoffs)_ Are not.

**Theon.** Are too!

**Ironborn 4.** Are _not_!

**Theon.** How dare you not recognize your rightful prince. You have no right to call yourself Ironborn!

**Ironborn 4.** _Okay,_ I’ll let you in. You don’t have to be so mean, jeez.

_The gates to Moat Cailin open and Theon leads his horse inside._

“I Am Your Prince” begins

**Ironborn 4.** State your name and your purpose / tell me all your deepest, darkest secrets / don’t just scratch what’s on the surface / trusting you will not be on my list of regrets /

**Theon.** I am your prince / Theon Greyjoy, Balon’s true heir / one day I will sit upon the Seastone Chair / I am your prince / Listen up and follow my commands / you need to give up this castle, do you understand? / I am your prince

**Ironborn 4.** Imposter, we are Ironborn, we do not surrender / Moat Cailin is ours and we will not lend her / We will rot away and live on poisoned water if we have to / before we give this castle to trash like you / We will hold Moat Cailin for Lord Victarion / him I can trust, I don’t know what side you’re on

**Theon.** I am your prince / Theon Greyjoy, Balon’s true heir / one day I will sit upon the Seastone Chair / I am your prince / Listen up and follow my commands / you need to give up this castle, do you understand? / I am your pri–

**Ironborn 5.** _(WHACK! He kills Ironborn #4)_ Theon, my prince / your arrival has answered my last, desperate wish / Please free us all from this hell / we are Ironborn, but we value our lives as well / Thank you, Theon, my prince…

“I Am Your Prince” ends

**Theon.** Holy shit! You just killed that dude!

**Ironborn 5.** I had to! He was talking crazy. I’m not going to live and die on poisoned water just because your batshit uncle told me to…no offense.

**Theon.** None taken. Gather your men and follow me. I will deliver you to Lord Ramsay Bolton; he will take care of your needs from here on out.

**Ironborn 5.** Bless you, m’lord.

_The entire host of Ironborn at Moat Cailin follow Theon as he exits the castle. They all look sickly and weak. Theon can’t help but think that he finally fits in with the Ironborn. After a while, they arrive at the Dreadfort where Ramsay is waiting for them._

**Ramsay.** Reek, my most loyal servant!

_Theon gets down from his horse and Ramsay immediately moves to embrace him. Afterwards, he kisses Theon on the cheek, who must force himself not to shrink away._

**Ramsay.** You have done right by me. You’re as loyal as my bitches, which is why I will allow you to sleep with them from now on.

**Theon.** I can’t, my lord. You cut my dick off, remember?

**Ramsay.** Not _those_ kinds of bitches, idiot. I’m talking about my hunting dogs. You can sleep in their cages and fight them for meat.

**Theon.** I-It sounds splendid, my lord.

**Ironborn 5.** Hang on a second. What’s going on here? Why is he calling you Reek?

**Ramsay.** Guards, escort all the Ironborn to the dungeons to be flayed.

**Ironborn 5.** WHAT?!

**Theon.** Sorry, dude.

**Ironborn 5.** But–but you _said_ –

**Theon.** –what I had to. Better you than me.

_Ironborn 5 and the rest of the Ironborn are dragged off to the dungeons, screaming. Ramsay finds this extremely amusing._

**Ramsay.** I told you not to worry! The Ironborn are not famous for their wit, clearly, if even _you_ could have fooled them. Anyone with eyes can see you’re no longer a man, much less a prince.

**Theon.** Yes, my lord.

**Ramsay.** Still, though…you did right by me and I promised you a reward. What would you like? Anything in the world.

**Theon.** A–A skin of wine is all I crave, my lord.

**Ramsay.** That’s all? Aye, I can arrange that. Now go, meet your new roommates. I’ll have someone bring a fine wine to the cages.

[Go to next scene]

_Theon, Ramsay, and a host of Dreadfort men stand to greet Roose Bolton as he arrives at the Dreadfort._

**Ramsay.** Father. Welcome home.

**Roose.** Ramsay, allow me to introduce my new wife, Walda Frey.

**Ramsay.** Hello, Mother. May I call you Mother?

**Walda.** I’d prefer it if you didn’t.

**Ramsay.** I do what I want, Mother.

**Roose.** And this is your betrothed, Arya Stark.

_A young girl steps forward and Theon immediately recognizes her as Jeyne Poole, but says nothing. Ramsay seems unimpressed._

**Jeyne.** Hello, my lord. I hope to be the best wife possible and give you many sons to further the Bolton family name.

**Ramsay.** _(disgusted)_ You look awful in white.

**Jeyne.** Oh, great, you’re really mean.

**Ramsay.** Guards, escort my wife to her chambers. Don’t let her out until the wedding.

**Jeyne.** WHAT?! But that’s, like, a week from now!

**Ramsay.** Silence, woman.

_Jeyne is escorted away by guards._

[Go to next scene]

_Theon approaches Ramsay as he prepares for his wedding._

**Theon.** How are you, my lord?

**Ramsay.** I’ve just discovered love is dead. How do you think I am?

**Theon.** Uh…

**Ramsay.** Never mind. Why are you here?

**Theon.** I have a message from your lady wife.

**Ramsay.** Don’t care.

**Theon.** She commanded me to tell you that you’re an annoying perverted man leech.

**Ramsay.** What else is new?

**Theon.** Should I say something back?

**Ramsay.** I don’t know. Make up something mean.

**Theon.** Yes, my lord.

_Theon walks to Jeyne’s chambers to deliver the message. She is alone and, while beautiful in her wedding gown, doesn’t look happy._

**Theon.** _(softly)_ Hello, Jeyne.

**Jeyne.** Hi, Theon.

**Theon.** Ramsay wanted me to tell you something mean.

**Jeyne.** Ha, what an idiot.

**Theon.** You shouldn’t talk about him like that. I’d hate to see you hurt.

**Jeyne.** He’ll hurt me no matter what I do.

_Theon says nothing. Jeyne reaches out and touches his arm._

**Jeyne.** Take me away from here.

**Theon.** _Jeyne._

**Jeyne.** Please, I’m begging you. I always watched you growing up and thought you were so handsome and brave…a little weird, but handsome and brave nonetheless. That man is still in there.

_Theon pulls his arm away._

**Theon.** He’s not.

**Jeyne.** I can’t marry this man. _Please._

**Theon.** You have to. And you must never answer to Jeyne again, do you understand?

**Jeyne.** See, you’re trying to protect me. You do care.

**Theon.** Enough, J–Arya. It’s time for us to leave for your wedding. Take my arm.

_Jeyne begrudgingly takes Theon’s arm. She makes one last effort to convince Theon._

**Jeyne.** In all the stories, a gallant knight always whisks the damsel away from the monster. Don’t you want to be like the people in those stories?

**Theon.** In life, the monsters win. It’s time you learned that.

_Theon escorts Jeyne to the godswood. Ramsay, Roose, and the rest of the wedding guests are waiting._

**Ramsay.** Who comes before the old gods?

**Theon.** Arya Stark. Who claims her?

**Ramsay.** Ramsay Bolton, Lord of the Hornwood and heir to the Dreadfort. Who gives her?

**Theon.** Theon Greyjoy, her father’s ward and the closest thing she has to living kin. Arya, will you take this man in marriage?

**Jeyne.** I do.

_Ramsay undoes the Stark cloak around Jeyne’s shoulders and replaces it with a Bolton cloak. And with that, the ceremony is over. Ramsay sweeps his bride off his feet and brings her to their bedchamber. The crowd disperses until Theon is alone in the godswood._

**Theon.** Are any gods listening?

_Nothing. Until…_

**Trees.** Theon…

**Theon.** Who said that? God, I’ve gotta stop drinking.

_Theon turns and leaves the godswood to wander the castle. After a while, he hears Jeyne weeping and then singing._

“In Life, the Monsters Win” begins

**Jeyne.** When the night would fall around me, and the darkness would leave me blind / I’d pretend that he was with me, my own shining knight, / Two strong arms to shield me, and two hearts that beat as one / and I know that I’d be happy for once

Dreams of a romance, spectacular and true / As beautiful as Jonquil, and Florian her fool! / In songs life seems easy, it’s exciting and fair / and for every kindhearted lady there is a hero out there

If only there was someone to love me / If only there was a hero to save me / Is my life worth so little to the gods? / Have I done wrong? / Where is my prince? / My gallant knight? / Is this my story? / A monster’s bride? / I only dreamed of a life that was better than I had / but now I see / In life, the monsters win

Singing and laughing turned to a distant memory / Something happened to another girl that once was me / but they had to steal my innocence and put me on display / They tore the clothing off my back and ripped my pride away

Even among familiar walls, I’ll never find serenity / I can’t even reclaim my own identity / A husband that has no heart, a beast in human skin / First a whore, now a Bolton, I truly cannot win

If only there was someone to love me / If only there was a hero to save me / Is my life worth so little to the gods? / Have I done wrong? / Where is my prince? / My gallant knight? / Is this my story? / A monster’s bride? / I only dreamed of a life that was better than I had / but now I see / In life, the monsters win

Now I know tomorrow won’t be a brighter day / Now I see there’s no prince to take me away / There’s only monsters / Locked in frozen walls of a place I once called home

Oh, if today my life would end / There’d be no tears for me, from family nor friends / ’Cause I know they’ve lost long ago / And only monsters rule us now

I fear Theon was right, / I must do my duty and play the part / There seems to be no end in sight / For now a monster rules my heart

“In Life, the Monsters Win” ends

_The song fills him with sorrow, but he does his best to ignore it. He spends most of the night walking the castle alone, deep in thought. Finally, he walks back to the Great Hall to get Jeyne out of his mind._

**Guard.** _(spits)_ Theon Turncloak.

**Theon.** I can’t believe you just spit at me.

**Guard.** I can’t believe you betrayed the Starks and killed Bran and Rickon.

**Theon.** You got me there.

_Theon enters the Great Hall and takes a seat at the end of a table, hoping to go unnoticed. He drinks wine until someone sits down next to him._

**Barbrey Dustin.** What’s the matter? You don’t like the food?

**Theon.** Eating isn’t easy for me.

**Barbrey Dustin.** Not even pork pie? Lord Manderly says it’s the best you’ve ever tasted.

**Theon.** You don’t believe him?

**Barbrey Dustin.** I don’t trust the man as far as I can throw him, which isn’t _at all_ because he weighs 600 pounds. Look at him. His son was killed at the Red Wedding and he feasts happily with the Freys and the Boltons, serving them _pies_ –

**Theon.** People…people grieve in different ways.

**Barbrey Dustin.** How do you grieve, Theon Greyjoy?

_Theon winces._

**Barbrey Dustin.** You think I don’t know what you mean? You loved Robb Stark just as much as the North.

**Theon.** More so.

**Barbrey Dustin.** Then why did you betray him?

**Theon.** I’ve mastered the art of putting myself first and then making bad decisions galore because of it.

**Barbrey Dustin.** You valued yourself and you didn’t even get ahead because of it. Tragic.

**Theon.** Tell me about it.

[Go to next scene]

_Theon approaches Ramsay after being summoned._

**Ramsay.** Hello, little shitweasel. Time to die.

**Theon.** Thank God, finally I’m free of this hell.

**Ramsay.** I was just kidding, idiot. As if you’d ever be so lucky. I need you to bathe my wife again.

**Theon.** _Again?!_

**Ramsay.** I’m not flaying you to sass me. Get moving.

**Theon.** Yes, my lord.

_Theon goes to the kitchens and has serving girls fill a tub with hot water and lug it to Jeyne’s bedchamber for him. He thanks them and they leave. Inside, he finds Jeyne curled up in bed._

**Theon.** Lady Arya? What are you doing?

**Jeyne.** Oh, just imagining my own demise. That would be far better than this.

**Theon.** I know the feeling.

**Jeyne.** I see you’ve brought me another bath.

**Theon.** Yes, my lady.

**Jeyne.** I’m going to deprive the entire castle of water before long and what then?

**Theon.** Maybe we’ll get the deaths we’re hoping for.

**Jeyne.** _(weakly)_ Ha.

_Theon helps Jeyne out of bed and into her bath. Once there, she is vulnerable and emotional._

**Jeyne.** Theon…

**Theon.** _Reek._

**Jeyne.** I hope Stannis comes soon and kills everyone. The whole lot of them, except for you and me.

**Theon.** You mustn’t speak like that, not even to me. Not even in your own head. Nowhere is safe, do you understand? You have to please him and be Arya and then he’ll stop hurting you.

**Jeyne.** That’s a lie and you know it.

**Theon.** Just…be Arya.

_Once Jeyne finishes with her bath, Theon has the guards call for the serving girls and then he leaves for the Great Hall. Ramsay is hosting another feast and he nibbles at some porridge. A serving woman plops down next to him._

**Rowan.** Theon Greyjoy! Dance with me.

**Theon.** That’s a bad idea, unless you want to see me attempt the worm.

**Rowan.** A bad idea, indeed. Give me a smile then, just one.

**Theon.** I have nothing to smile about.

**Rowan.** Don’t get all emo on me! It’s a feast, we should all be having a good time.

**Theon.** I don’t have coin or a penis to give you a _good time._

**Rowan.** Do you take me for a whore?

**Theon.** I took you for someone who doesn’t shy away from who they are.

**Rowan.** Wise words, Theon Turncloak. That’s your legacy, isn’t it? Although, if you want, I can ask Abel to write you a song about Theon the Clever.

**Theon.** _(laughs loudly)_ Theon the Clever? Theon Turncloak cuts me deep, but at least it’s honest.

**Rowan.** You think yourself a turncloak? I don’t. Tell me about the fateful day you took Winterfell with less than fifty men.

_She touches his leg._

**Rowan.** I’m trustworthy. Ask Abel if you don’t believe me.

_Theon jumps up._

**Theon.** I know what’s going on here! Tell Ramsay that _this_ shitweasel is not getting flayed today!

_Theon wanders the castle again and once again winds up at the godswood. He gets on his knees._

**Theon.** Okay, talking trees, I know you can hear me. Give me…

_Theon can’t decide on what to ask for. Eventually, he gives up and wanders back to the feast. Rowan is nowhere to be found, to his relief. He is approached once again by Barbrey Dustin._

**Barbrey Dustin.** Theon Turncloak. Ever heard of changing your clothes?

**Theon.** Heard of it. Not allowed to partake in it, though.

**Barbrey Dustin.** Hmph. I have to say, Ramsay keeps you on a strict, weird leash.

**Theon.** That he does, my lady.

**Barbrey Dustin.** You know this castle, correct?

**Theon.** What would make you think that? I only grew up here.

**Barbrey Dustin.** Don’t sass me, boy. I want you to escort me to the crypts and if you use that mouth on me again, I’ll leave you down there.

**Theon.** At least I’ll be with Robb again.

**Barbrey Dustin.** Robb Stark isn’t _down_ there, idiot.

**Theon.** I will take you, if you promise not to mention Robb again.

**Barbrey Dustin.** Deal.

_Barbrey Dustin and Theon take a torch with them to the crypts. She abandons her guards at the entrance so it is just the two of them below Winterfell._

**Barbrey Dustin.** Lady Arya is unhappy. I hear her weeping all day and all night. In fact, I think I could probably hear it now if I listened hard enough.

**Theon.** She–she is adjusting.

**Barbrey Dustin.** She had better adjust faster and with more smiles. I tell you, Stannis is half as dangerous as that girl’s crying.

**Theon.** What do you mean, my lady?

**Barbrey Dustin.** _The North remembers_ is what I mean. This is Lord Eddard’s castle filled to the brim with Northmen listening to Lord Eddard’s daughter weep daily. The Northmen _love_ the Starks.

**Theon.** But not you.

**Barbrey Dustin.** But not me.

**Theon.** May I ask why? Everybody loves the Starks.

**Barbrey Dustin.** Even you?

**Theon.** Especially me. I-I wanted to _be_ a Stark, but I was never given the opportunity to marry Robb–I mean, Sansa.

**Barbrey Dustin.** I wanted to be a Stark as well…but repeat that to anyone and I’ll have your tongue.

**Theon.** I understand, my lady.

**Barbrey Dustin.** Repeat _any_ of this and I’ll–

**Theon.** Have my tongue, got it.

**Barbrey Dustin.** You’re a smart learner. Now take me out of this place.

[Go to next scene]

_Theon is in the Great Hall and is approached by another serving woman._

**Holly.** Hello, my lord.

**Theon.** What do you want?

**Holly.** To see the crypts. I heard you give free tours.

**Theon.** Not to you I don’t. I want you and Abel and your sisters to leave me be.

[Go to next scene]

_A dead man is found murdered in the snow. It is Yellow Dick and the dick in question was chopped off and shoved in his mouth. It is the third this week and it has become obvious these are murders, not accidents._

**Ramsay.** Oh, fuck. This is a disaster. Reek, did you chop off my friend’s cock for revenge on me?

**Theon.** _No,_ my lord, never–

**Ramsay.** If you say so. Oh, my father wants to see you, by the way.

_Theon makes his way to Roose’s chambers. Ramsay’s father is waiting there for him calmly._

**Roose.** I trust you know what happened to Yellow Dick. It seems we have a serial killer on the loose. That wouldn’t happen to be you, would it?

**Theon.** No, my lord.

**Roose.** Why should I believe you?

**Theon.** I would never betray your son, my lord.

**Roose.** I’m sold. You may go.

_Theon leaves and, for the third time, finds himself in the godswood. He gets to his knees and, this time, he weeps._

“The Eyes of the Bride Are Brown” begins

**Theon.** She's got a strength, and it's not yet gone / and it's stupid to hope that it can still live on / To ask me for help, can she not see / that man that she asks for is no longer me / A man once, but what I'm now is far less / without any title to name, and with no words to say, / She comes her with a light in her chest, but / when the Dreadfort comes to take it all away / Her eyes, in them I can see, what she knows in me, / is dead and gone

And it's her eyes that can't lie, to me, / brown isn't Arya's eyes / they're blind if they all can't see / that on her tongue sit lies / you can see the north in her stride, / but Arya isn't Ramsay's bride / but the grey of Winterfell is not  / In Jeyne's eyes / because the eyes of the bride are brown

I find myself again in the godswood, / It was the last place Jeyne Poole ever stood, / If I pray, will the gods hear me? / Do I deserve to have Ned Stark’s gods near me? / If it please you, grant me courage and strength / and if you could, keep Ramsay at arm’s length

**Trees.** _(spoken)_ Theon…

**Theon.** _(spoken)_ Who said that?

The tree’s eyes can't lie, they know, / that brown isn't Arya's eyes and / they're blind if they all can't see / that on her tongue sit lies / you can see the north in her stride, / but Arya isn't Ramsay's bride / but the grey of Winterfell is not / In Jeyne's eyes / because the eyes of the bride are brown

The old gods, they know me, / I can hear them whispering my name in the trees, / The old gods, they know my name, / I only ask they give me an identity to reclaim, / The old gods, they know a quick death is all I seek, / Please, let me die as Theon, not as Reek

“The Eyes of the Bride Are Brown” ends

_A horn sounds. Theon gets to his feet._

**Theon.** Stannis is here…

**Trees.** Bran…

**Theon.** Is that truly you? Bran, I’m sorry…I _needed_ this castle and I needed you dead and–

**Rowan.** Who are you talking to?

_Theon whirls around._

**Holly.** I can’t believe we’re asking this guy’s crazy ass for help. I don’t see why we can’t do it alone!

**Willow.** Shut up!

**Theon.** What do you want?

**Holly.** To kill you.

_Holly brandishes a knife._

**Theon.** Go on. See if I care. I’ve been dead inside for a long time.

**Rowan.** We can’t do anything to you, not until you’ve sung a little song for Abel.

**Theon.** I’m horrible at singing. Do you want to hear the verbal version of the worm?

[Go to next scene]

**Theon.** This is madness. This plan is absolutely, completely batshit crazy. We’ll never get away with it.

**Willow.** Not if you keep talking like that!

**Theon.** I’m serious. I’ve done a lot of stupid shit in my life–and I mean a _lot_ –but this takes the cake. Do you know what Ramsay will do to us if we’re caught?

**Holly.** Make you shut the fuck up, hopefully.

**Willow.** Abel promised you he wouldn’t let that Ramsay creep get his hands on you again and Abel is a man of his word. Have a little faith, Turncloak.

**Theon.** Have a little caution.

**Rowan.** God, we get it! You’re terrified. I’m not jumping for joy over the plan, either, but the risk is worth it for Lady Arya. Or do you not care about her?

**Theon.** …I do.

**Rowan.** Good, now come on.

**Theon.** Assuming we get past the guards, how do you plan to sneak Lady Arya past the guards? They’re dumb, but they know how to count, you know. They’ll likely notice if five go in and six come out.

**Willow.** Squirrel will change clothes with Lady Arya and then climb out the window.

**Theon.** Your name is Squirrel?

**Squirrel.** Shut up, your name is Reek!

**Theon.** It is not. My name is Theon.

_The five arrive at the kitchens. Theon asks for another tub of hot water for Jeyne’s ‘bath’ and the servers do so, despite the grumblings. Once it is finished, the serving women carry it to the tower and Theon walks beside them._

**Guard 4.** She needs _another_ bath? You must be joking.

**Theon.** Take it up with Lord Ramsay if you have a problem.

**Guard 5.** Fat chance of that. Be sure to scrub her good–wouldn’t want our lady to get dirt on her between now and the two days she’ll bathe again.

_Guards 4 and 5 stand aside. Theon and the serving women enter, and the four women set down the bathtub. Jeyne is sobbing on the floor, curled up in a pile of furs. Theon kneels down next to her._

**Theon.** My lady.

**Jeyne.** Theon?

**Theon.** Stand up, my lady. We’ve come to take you to your brother at Castle Black.

**Jeyne.** Oh, Theon, I knew you’d come for me.

**Theon.** Really? I didn’t.

**Rowan.** Hurry, Lady Arya. Switch clothes with Squirrel and we’ll smuggle you out.

_Jeyne does as she is told, shivering from both fear and the cold. Once she is in Squirrel’s clothes, she keeps her head down and takes Theon’s arm as they leave. The guards don’t notice a thing._

“What is Dead May Never Die (reprise)” begins

**Theon.** If I turn back now, I can save myself some pain / but I have Greyjoy blood in my veins, / This is my turn, this is my chance / to prove myself a good person at last, / A million things could go wrong / but to ease my worrying I must move along

What is dead may never die / but rises again harder and stronger, / the sea is a jealous mistress / who drowns those who have wronged her, / I’ll do all I can to prove I’m still Ironborn / and that my loyalties aren’t torn, / I want to prove to myself that I’m a man / Please, I need to make him understand

I’m risking it all to save a girl with the wrong eyes, / a girl who is the wrong prize / Jeyne has been posing as Arya Stark / but even her fake name couldn’t protect her from Ramsay’s marks, / She has suffered more than she can bear / and only I seem to care

What is dead may never die / but rises again harder and stronger, / the sea is a jealous mistress / who drowns those who have wronged her, / I’ll do all I can to prove I’m still Ironborn / and that my loyalties aren’t torn, / I want to prove to myself that I’m a man / Please, I need to make him understand

Theon never died / he rose again harder and stronger

“What is Dead May Never Die (reprise)” ends

_Theon and the serving women sneak Jeyne across the yard and atop the Battlements Gate. Guards at their post look annoyed at their presence until they notice the girls._

**Guard 6.** Come to warm us up?

**Holly.** You bet.

_She slides her knife into his neck. A fight breaks out and Jeyne screams at the first sign of bloodshed._

**Holly.** Oh, shit! That’ll summon half the castle!

**Rowan.** Theon, take her and go! _Run!_

_Theon takes Jeyne’s hand and they run. They are apprehended on both sides._

**Bolton 1.** Oho, look at you, Reek! Ramsay will just _love_ hearing about this!

**Theon.** Brace yourself!

**Jeyne.** For wha–?

_Theon grabs Jeyne and jumps._

[Go to next scene]

_Theon is holding on to a shivering Jeyne. After their fall, they were taken by Stannis’s men and now, for some reason, their carriage has stopped. A guard reaches in and yanks the two of them out. They are shoved to the ground and when Theon looks up, he sees a familiar face._

**Asha.** _(horrified)_ Theon?

“You Have to Know Your Name” begins

Theon. Asha, my sister, I recognized you this time / Jeyne and I need help, we are far from fine / Don’t be afraid or balk at the parts of me that are strange / I am still Theon, even if I have changed

My name is Theon / I am Theon Greyjoy, heir to Pyke and your brother / you have to remember your name / I remember my name

“You Have to Know Your Name” ends

THE END


End file.
